The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
