grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
