She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
