when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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