Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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