I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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