I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
