I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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