i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
