I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
