I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
