Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fuck appropriateness.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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