When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
