a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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