he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
