The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
