i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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