Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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