those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
