don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There r osticjed everywhere
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
