They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
