1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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