there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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