She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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