im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
