"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
