im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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