Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
