Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
