I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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