jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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