Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
