I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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