Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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