The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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