I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
