I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Randomize
