You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got chris browned last night
I wish my penis had an off switch
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
