This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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