Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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