whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
