I CAN MOONWALK!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
