I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
