I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
