when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
