I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
