this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
