life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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