im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
