why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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